The Drabbledex
by delax
Summary: Short and silly stories of the pokemans. Set in the Games or sometimes Anime. Rated T for Terrible puns and Casual swearing. Each chapter has it's own summary.
1. Heartscale

**Heartscale**

Summary:

A calm and reasonable discussion on the economic retail value of a Heartscale.

* * *

"So what will you give me?"

"¥50."

"¥50?! I don't think you understand how hard it is to find one of these!"

"It's a fish scale."

"But uh… it's a collectors item!"

"Pretty sure I've seen them in my boyfriend's fishtank, with the Luvdisc I gave him."

"This store is bullshit, I want my money back!"

"Ma'm, I don't recall you actually purchasing anything since you came in. You just ate all of our free samples."

"... I don't actually have any money."

"Well, if that's alll—"

"Fine fine, I'll take the 50."

"Pleasure doing business with you."

*****Later*****

"Hey, I'm back bitch! And I found an actual collector!"

"Good for you then."

"So Imma need my scale back."

"Look, this is a Pokemart, not a pawn shop."

"It's fine, it's fine, do you still have it?"

"Well yeah—"

"Then sell my fucking scale back to me, I have my ¥50 right here to throw in back your face!"

"... the price has gone up."

"Fine. How much?"

"¥10,000."

"?!"

"Demand has gone up. Apparently it's a Collectors Item."

...

_The police were called in to break up a fist fight between a trainer and a shopkeeper in Hearthome today…_

* * *

End Notes

Collector?  
I 'ardly know 'er!

This is a crosspost from AO3, because *shrug*


	2. Impostor

**Impostor**

Summary:  
So you're traveling down the road, wind in your hair, free as a bird.  
Until you run across a Snorlax deciding to block the entire path.  
Thankfully you have your trusty Pokemon, this sleepy tub of lard can't that hard, right?

* * *

"It's a Snorlax! How do you keep missing?"

"Mareep.. :("

"It's right there, use Thunder!"

Bolts of white-hot electricity arced from the cloudless sky, sizzling through the air as they grounded perfectly on the plushy in front of the Snorlax.

Snorlax twitched and continued it's thunderous snoring. Fucker was asleep in the middle of the road.

Mareep looked back, proud of the direct hit on the nasty bringer of snores. Her trainer seemed to be developing a headache from the way he was massaging his head.

"Eep?"

"Like I told you that's not— *sigh* Let me just show you."

He strode over to the giant obliviously snoozing asshole, and picked up the derpy green plushy. It was still smoking slightly.

"Look! _This_ is _not_ a Snorlax!"

He turned and pointed at the hairy shit blocking the path.

"_That_ is Snorlax! The big sleepy thing with the 'Beware of Snorlax' sign on it's foot."

Patiently he waited, to see the light dawn on his Pokemon.

"Mareep! :O"

Mareep on the other hand was simply astounded. Her trainer was lifting a Snorlax with one hand! She was dutifully impressed with his show of strength!

* * *

End Notes:

Wild Teacher used SUBSTITUTE!


	3. SS Anne

**SS Anne**

Summary:  
So far, Leaf's trip on the SS Anne has been pretty rad.  
The food's good, the cabins have _velvet_ drapes, there's posh old dudes; this boat has everything!  
Okay okay, so _of course_ Blue got here first, but she beat him and that is _always_ the sign of a good day. Anyway, being on a titanic Luxury Cruiser like this reminded her of something she just _had_ to try.

* * *

The Sunset glittered on the waves, turning them golden and lined with purple like a bed made for a queen. Leaf breathed in the salty sea air rushing by, holding onto the front railing far above the water. The SS Anne was _The_ Premiere Cruise Ship and as such towered above the water like a palace that… um, floated. Somehow. Still seemed weird how something this big could float when she never could learn how to swim right.

Leaf shook her head to reset her train of thought, and restarted the mental orchestral swell that went with the scenery. She stretched her arms outward, feeling the air rush underneath them as if it was her, not the ship, that was racing a hundred feet above the water. If only there was something holding her up, to lean back and forget about the arranged marriage to a Kalosian noble. Forget about her controlling mother. If only there was Someone holding her up.

…

If only there was _someone_ holding her up, to lean…

…

**If Only There Was SOMEONE Holding Her**

…

Leaf turned back around fuming, the mental music skipping backwards then grinding to a halt. _Himself_ was sulking back on the seats on the deck. She stomped over.

"You missed your cue! You're supposed to come up when I do the stretched arm thing."

"I'm not doing anything from that lame-ass movie."

"Look, you said that we would do a dare for this last battle."

"Yeah well, tough shit. I _didn't_ agree to play pretend in front of everyone."

He stretched his legs across the arms of the seat and closed his eyes, utterly content to ignore her and lounge until arrival.

Leaf's cheek twitched. _That's it. Playing dirty now._

"So what you're saying is you _can't_."

He opened one eye. "What."

"Acting is just _another_ talent you don't have."

"Another?!"

"Maybe you should stick to what you're good at, **Losing to Me**!"

"..."

He slowly pulled his legs back and stood up to his full height. His glare down at her could start fires, much as her icy one could freeze mountains.

"So you remember your cue?"

"I remember the whole fucking movie."

_Bet he did too, god damn prodigies._

"Let's try this again then."

* * *

The salty air sang by her face, ruffling the beautiful ballgown as she stepped toward the crest of the ship. The sight of the water rushing far below, made her fling her arms out in ecstasy as if she could fly off and leave all her mundane problems behind. Her mother. The Kalosian. Everything.

That's when she felt him behind her, Jake, the man that showed her there was more to life than following others. As his arms reached around her waist, she didn't feel the pull back to Earth as a hindrance. This rogue with his boyish charm had convinced her that she was free to find happiness in the real world.

He whispered in her ear, sweet nothings that she never really heard very well over the music before, but turns out having them whispered to _Her_ made her face color, though thankfully hidden by her hair.

_He even knew the words of her favorite movie better than her, probably just to __**spite**__ her._

It was hard to fault this moment though; when he wasn't being a bucket of wieners, he was awful _nice_ to talk to.

…

She had to win more often.

* * *

Notes:  
I guess since they are on SS Anne, this is my first _shipping_ fic.


	4. The Dragonite

**Dragonite**

Summary:  
Rocket gangs are running rampant in the city and only one Do-Gooder Pokemon champion is brave enough to stand up and face them. Soon in a theater near You!

* * *

**This Holiday Season: **

**_Interior, Lance's Mansion_**

"Master Lance, if you want to defend this city, you'll need more than a fancy costume. The Teams have taken on men of Justice like yourself before."

"You're right. I need to be more than a man, I need to become a symbol. Something for them to truly fear."

"And what should they fear Master Lance?"

Lance's eyes looked past his faithful manservant, looking far into the past, back at his first childhood trauma.

* * *

**_Fifteen years earlier_**

_"__Golly jeeze, I sure am excited to explore Dragon's Den. As a young child I believe nothing could go wrong with me playing on the cliff near this neat-o-riffic swimming hole said to be home to rare pokemon. Come with me childhood friend!" _

_"__... As your childhood friend and another child, I vote that we tussle and that you fall into the lake far below." _

_"__Well if that's what democracy decides, I see no reason to not accept!" _

_Several minutes later:_

_Splash. _

_"__AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Dragons! They're EVERYWHERE! Squirming! AAAAAAAAAA!"_

* * *

"Master Lance? Master Lance."

Lance's eyes snapped back into focus.

"You were saying what they _should _fear, Master Lance."

"I will become what I fear most, so that the Teams will fear the same."

* * *

**_Interior of the Dragon Cavern beneath Lance Manor_**

_Lance can be seen in flickers of shots putting on his iconic outfit. _

_Orange body armor. _

_Cream chest-plate. _

_Teal cape. _

_A silhouette shot of the classic Cowl with Antenna and Horn._

* * *

**_In the grimy Slums_**

The flickering of the streetlamps highlights a brawl between Lance and Rocket grunts.

Lance moves with Extreme Speed, evading blows, and giving plenty of his own.

"It's the Dragon! Run for it boyos!"

* * *

**_Outside of the Metropolis_**

_On a hill overlooking the city, stands someone. _

_Someone we can only get a glimpse of. _

_"__Well, well. Looks like someone's finally putting the Rockets on Ice." _

_Flash of a Red dress. _

_Peek of Blonde hair. _

_"__Wonder how much a Dragon's Skin is worth in this Town?" _

_She lets out a cold chuckle. _

_"__Oh my, hope I don't... Jynx the poor dear~." _

**Coming in Winter 2013:**

**The Dragonite Rises**


	5. It's Dangerous To Go Alone

**It's Dangerous to Go Alone**

Summary: Brendan has just moved into this new town, time to explore!

* * *

"Be careful out there! Don't go alone out into the grass!", Someone croaked.

Brendan turned away from the apparently frightening clearing to see an old man creaking his way over to him. Looks like he can't avoid meeting his neighbors anymore.

"Oh hi! I'm Brendan, we just moved in down the street and—"

"And you thought you would explore outside the town."

"Well… yes?"

The old man sighed, in a grandfatherly way, and shook his head, "Kids these days don't know anything about the wilderness. What with all these '_Cities_' and '_Paved Roads_' springing up."

He continued, "Look closely into that field and tell me what you see."

Brendan peered at the grass, "There's some caterpie looking things and some dogs too."

The old man picked up a rock. "Watch", he said as he lobbed at one of the dog pokemon.

They scattered yelping, and as soon as one set foot into a clearing, a shadow appeared. The dog was racing to the next patch but the shadow grew larger until what looked like a feathered meteor slammed into it.

Brendan leapt back in surprise. He had heard of fearow, but they generally stayed away from populated areas back home. The bird looked almost as tall as he was, and it moved so fast! He could see it already taking off with the dangling meal in it's talons.

The old man gently patted him on the back, "Damn things have made off with children before, but they _know_ to stay away from the town proper, got trainers here. And attacking trainers rarely ends well for 'em."

As the old man led him back into the center of Littleroot, Brenden could help but shiver at the thought of being carried away like that dog. Gone before he had a chance to run.

Nothing would convince him to set one foot out of this town.

* * *

Notes:

I assume this is why non-trainers generally don't travel.


	6. Follower

**Follower**

Summary:  
Brock is a loyal follower, always sticking to the rear.  
Always watching your back.

* * *

Butts are the best  
It was all like, _Daayum Girl_.  
Hate to see you go, _but love to watch you leave~_

Brock squinted at the sight of the Nurse taking more of Ash's Pokemon to the operating table. Pretty sure these nurse outfits will never _not_ be an amazing dish for all of the senses.  
_**All**__ of them._

"Man, I'm glad to get all this training done, though I feel bad for making everyone go to the Pokemon Centers so much."

"I'm sure it's alright Ash. No pain, no gain!"

One of the assistant nurses piped up, "Yes, don't worry sir, soon your Pokemon will be as right as rain."

Brock nodded, _He_ certainly felt recharged simply being in the presence of such beauties. The only thing that could make this better would be—

There was a slam of the door. Officer Jenny rushed inside straight to the front desk. Brock was sure that whatever she said was simply dazzling, but he found himself somewhat distracted admiring the cut of her uniform. Looked like this town's Jenny found plenty of time for exercise, she had the firmest looking bu—

"You there! I hear you have some Grass types, I'd like you to take a walk with me. I need to clear some debris from the road."

The Officer was looking at Ash as she said this, and since Ash was Ash he nodded gamely.

"Sure ma'am, I have a Bulbasaur at the ready!"

Oh yeah. Brock had forgotten that this town had recently gotten into a Nature obsessed thing, something about going Green. They seemed to think all of a sudden that only using Grass types was "more natural". As if he couldn't fix most things with just his Onyx.

"Let's go Brock! Misty can keep an eye on the rest!"

Though, as Officer Jenny led the way, Brock couldn't say he regretted being a mere follower. It let you concentrate on the sights.

* * *

End Notes

"Well Brock, You see there's this girl..."  
"I understand. Have you tried stuffing her with **MEEEEEAAAAAT**?"  
"...Wha?"  
"You know. At a restaurant!"


	7. Rain Dish

**Rain Dish**

Summary:  
Walking outside enjoying the beauty of nature!  
This would be nicer if it wasn't a swamp.  
Or raining.

* * *

We had been traveling for a few weeks now, my Lotad (Pepé) and I. I had unfortunately been over-generous with my estimation of our travel speed and too miserly with supplies. You might not know this, but Lotad have fucking short-ass legs and feel like an algae covered log. Hell if I'm carrying him again, he kept slipping and smacking face first into the ground. So we moved much slower than I packed for. But that led to our main problem: the water around here is fucking gross.

I mean it's fine for Pepé, he can put down roots or some shit, but iodine tablets aren't enough to make this green-ass water drinkable. And these gallon jugs are getting emptied quicker than I'd like.

Couldn't get much worse.

Then it fucking rained.

Like one of those weather god fuckers was taking a big ol' piss right after a night of drinking. Non stop downpour.

I, thankfully, saw the dark clouds brewing and got my tent pitched securely with an extra tarp on top.

Pepé and I slept through the night peacefully, but it was still determinedly coming down in the morning. And the Afternoon. Pepé was getting twitchy after so long so I let him out.

When he waddled back in, looking as smug as a rained on duck could, he nudged my arm, almost getting water on my copy of _Trainers' Illustrated: Swimsuit Edition_. "Woah", I said lifting my rag of scantily-clad beauties safely above my head, "Party foul there, little bro." He squeaked at me, apparently proud that he had caught water on his head. "Nice idea Pepé, but _I_ can't just catch rain water like that."

Then it hit me.

A minute later, with jugs, rain, and a handful of makeshift funnels made from the front of my less artistic magazines, I guess you could say our water problems were covered.

* * *

End Notes

Get it?  
Front of the magazine?  
Covered?  
No? oh...


	8. Chip Away

**Chip Away**

Summary:  
Aw man!  
You just got your Pokemon and are now having your first _real_ Pokemon Battle!  
Kinda wish it wasn't a excitable kid in shorts though...

* * *

_pomf_

Cindy idly drew in the dirt of the forest floor with a stick.

"Hah! That barely did anything! Metapod use Harden!"

The kid in front of her could barely keep his excitement contained, seeing a hardcore battlefield raging before his very eyes.

_pomf_

Cindy had heard stories of the epic adventures trainers go on, and all the new places they could visit with their pokemon friends.

"Curses, a critical hit! Quick Metapod, Harden once more!"

Thus, like the sap she was, she went to the nearest representative of the Pokemon League here in Azalea Town, hoping for a one-of-a-kind pokemon to grow up with on their journey.

_pomf_

And Bugsy, the smug type-theming shit, gave her a God Damned Caterpillar! He even acted like it was a big deal to hand one of the seven million in his gym over, like it was shiny dragon or something.

"You're not even paying attention, Ha-ha! Metapod while they're distracted, use Harden!"

If she wanted a fucking lame-ass bug, she would have grabbed one herself from the forest next door, like this 'winner' she ran into.

_pomf_

Cindy looked up from her doodling at the ensuing brawl. As disappointed as she was in the Gym Leader, she had to admit her new little bug _was_ trying his hardest. He gamely used his squishy face to headbutt the metapod into submission.

"This isn't even his final form! **Metapod Harden!**"

… Which, with these two, is going to take all afternoon apparently.

_pomf_

* * *

End Notes

A True Battle For The Ages! Later, She comes back with her Butterfree and wrecks everyone's shit.  
While laughing hysterically.


	9. Excavation

**Excavation**

Summary:  
Apparently it's not that easy to dig your way into a sacred volcano without people complaining.  
Geeze, people these days...

* * *

"Look Ma'am, I'm just digging a hole. Don't think I need a permit for that."

"Yes, but—"

"If digging holes were illegal, then every Growlithe and Houndour in the park would be arrested!"

"I'm not sure that's—"

"Not to mention Digletts wouldn't be allowed to go anywhere, they live in holes."

"That's very interesting—"

"So, I'd kindly _appreciate_ if you would step off and mind your own business, _Madam_."

"Sir! I came to ask you not to use a backhoe on our sacred grounds! Especially since it was _a live volcano_!"

"Yes, yes. I know what you were after."

"Oh thank god."

"Here, my autograph."

"Agh, why did you write on my shirt?! ...Who the fuck is Maxie?"

**BANG-BANG**

**thud**

"Someone who's going to change to world."

* * *

End Notes

If only that lady had Bulletproof.


	10. Weakness

**Weakness**

Summary:  
Yuki has worked his way through the gyms up to the Psychic Gymleader Sabrina.  
He and his bug Pokemon are ready to face her probably maybe.

* * *

_**So you have come.**_

"Wha?", Yuki turned around. He could hear the words, but no one was visible in the dim hallway.

The entrance to the Psychic gym had given off bad vibes with it's slightly rusted sign and being a retrofitted mansion. Once through the doors, he had the curious notion that it was actually bigger on the inside than it really had any right to be.

He wondered if any of his pokemon would be able to help him to find his way, or even escape the damn thing. Problem was being Bugs, they weren't exactly the most communicative. Except his Ninjask, Nina. _She_ would probably bitch at him for going in circles.

Take this hallway for instance, he could have sworn he had been here before; it certainly looked the same with the creepy paintings. Somehow it was as if every door he opened led back to the beginning.

_**The question is if you can leave.**_

There it was again! Yuki pretended to not notice, hoping to catch his taunter off guard. Letting his hand graze Nina's ball, he was ready to strike.

He felt it, the slightest movement of air behind him. Spinning quickly, arm at the ready, he faced his worst fear.

Nina.

Or rather what Nina had left behind when she evolved. A motionless husk that still followed him around. Like a memory of their childhood that refused to leave. Except _this_ memory was staring at him 2 inches from his face in a dark creepy hallway.

Yuki let out a shrill shriek and stumbled backwards into one of the large, expensive paintings on the wall. And tumbled head over heels straight through it into a painted arena, landing on his back.

_**You've found your way. Impressive.**_

Craning his head, he was treated to the, not exactly calming, sight of the gym's leader. Sabrina. She sat on apparently nothing at the other end of the pitch.

_**And you already have your Pokemon released? Are you really that impatient to lose?**_

Her mouth wasn't moving. Her words skipped air and ears, and just echoed directly in his brain. Yuki shivered somewhat as he got to his feet, brushing himself off.

"Pokemon? But I haven't released—", he started, but was interrupted as she brought her Kadabra into the field. As it's eyes began glowing, he decided discretion was the better part of valor and scrambled to his side of the arena.

Now at the ready, he looked up to find Nina had already placed herself to defend him. Or rather… ex-Nina? Drifting almost like an unfelt breeze had blown it onto the field.

The Kadabra took this as an invitation to begin. Force spread from it hands, twisting into almost visible waves. A sharp ringing tone made Yuki cover his ears as the beam shot towards Nina.

Appearing to glance off, it sent the hovering pokemon into a gentle spin, bobbing in place. Though Nina was unharmed, this merely made Kadabra redouble its efforts. For several minutes the battle raged one-sidedly, tearing up the ground in deep gouges with psychic energy. Yuki watched every hit his pokemon took with increasing worry. How could _anything_ survive this onslaught unharmed? Even whatever this Nina thing was must be in danger!

He couldn't take it anymore, "Nina! You need to attack back!" He hoped it could understand him. As the dust settled some, the shadows seemed to deepen, stretching toward his pokemon. Now that he was looking they were definitely gathering in front of Nina. Forming some blobby shape of darkness.

_**A Shadow ball?!**_

The blob suddenly rushed forward and smothered Kadabra's face, it was sapping the forces Kadabra was generating. Yuki was stunned at the display, but maybe... if this Nina was effective against Kadabra, maybe he really _did_ have a chance to win.

* * *

End Notes

I am not good at action scenes, so it kinda cuts out in the middle. Also Nina the shedinja is pretty much like Misty's Psyduck, popping up when unwanted and only rarely helping anything.  
But when it _does_ help, watch out! An unused joke here is that people keep assuming that Yuki has ice pokemon and he's really sick of it. Yay Japanese name jokes.


	11. Magnet Train

**Magnet Train**

Summary:  
Team Rocket has is slowly rebuilding after losing Giovanni.  
Now they need to pull off a major heist!  
Good thing they're all well trained in the art of crime...

* * *

"Okay guys, you all know the plan, right?"

"Plan?" "I thought this was a Rocket company picnic!" "_I_ heard you sir." "Shut up Colin." "Wait, we were supposed to be listening?! Do over!"

_Sigh_  
"Alright. Once more from the top. Jim, you grapple onto the side. Marlene, you blow open the door."

"Well, I'm hooked." "Ready to have a blast, sir!"

"Fred and Ted, frisk everything valuable from the passengers. Wallets, purses, jewelry, pokemon, whatever you can stuff in the sacks."

"Ooo~ brother, you hear that?" "Mmm, sounds like we get to be frisky with the passengers~."

"You guys are a real riot… just do your jobs and we'll get paid. I'll be going straight for the safe."

"What about me Sir?"

"Of course, Colin. You've got the biggest job. You're running scapegoat. If the Law shows up, you are to run up and confess to doing the entire thing by yourself, while we make a break for it."

"Yes Sir! And then you'll come and break me out again, right?"

"Yeah sure. Let's say that. Alright. So you guys are all ready _now_, eh? Because this train is pretty fast and split second timing is required to—"

sSS—**Wo****o****osh~**

"Aaaaand there it goes. Welp. Thanks a lot Colin. Guess it's back to mugging old people."

* * *

End Notes:  
Man, Colin is the _worst_.  
Stupid haircut  
He _deserved_ to get kidnapped by a moblin.


	12. Cuckoo

**Cuckoo**

Summary:  
It's hard work raising babies!  
A mother Salamance has to fly all day to find food to feed her 4 hard-headed children.  
It's odd though, she only remembers laying 3 eggs...

* * *

"Bagon! :D" "Bagon! :T" "Gon Gon. :o"

The mother Salamence proudly examined her new babies; they were a handful for certain, confined to the nest as they were. They were finally calming down now though, she had just filled their greedy little bellies.

"Ah! :V"

Well, except for one. This baby was _always_ hungry. Squawking up at her in indignation, mouth open, as if she _starved_ it.

"**Ack!** :V"

It was definitely _round_ enough, with stubby arms currently waving at her. It was angry that she was trying to ignore its pleas for dinner. Dinner that it _just_ finished eating.

**"****GIBLE! (⸌O⸍)"**

The mother Salamence sighed and slithered toward the cave entrance, resigning herself to just _one more_ hunt. _Anything_ to stop the caterwauling so she could get some sleep. She swears, she didn't remember her last clutch being so demanding!

* * *

End Notes

Gible are clearly too much work for a Garchomp to raise themselves, so they drop them off in other pokemons' nests that have room.  
If they don't have room?  
They make some.  
omnomnom


	13. Affair

**Affair**

Summary:  
This is the true story... of six pokemon  
... picked to live in a daycare  
...(train together) and have their lives taped  
... to find out what happens  
...when pokemon stop being polite  
...and start getting real.

_Lies. This is all just puns._

* * *

Next time on **The Real Pokemon**:

"Dennis? Geodude?! How could you?!"

"I'm sorry Susan, we may both be Gardevoir, but Geodude is _always_ here for me when you're away!"

"Dude..."

"Don't even try me Geodude, I know you're with Dennis just to get your rocks off!"

"Dude?"

"Yeah Susan, you don't understand, it gets hard for both of us."

"Oh I _bet_ it does, no need to be psychic here."

"Dude!"

"That was uncalled for Susan! Geodude has a good head on his shoulders."

"I just wish you had had the stones to admit this before tonight… I–I thought I _loved_ you!"

Susan runs crying out the door into a rainstorm.

"Dude."

"I know man… I thought it would be bad, but... I didn't expect an _explosion_."

_*End theme of "Jumpin' Jack Flash" plays*_

**Tune in next week!**

* * *

End Notes

Went down hill in season 6, after they dropped the Rolling Stones theme song...


	14. In-Depth Examination

**In-depth Examination of Interaction Between Legendaries and Humanity**

Summary:  
These beautiful and mythological beings of great power occasionally come into conflict or collusion with humankind.

* * *

"Come on Todd, it's not worth it!"

_Kerchunk_

"I'm sorry Harrison! There just comes a time in every man's life that he has to stand for his beliefs! And this… This is _my_ time."

_Crinkle crinkle_

"Think of your family Todd!"

_Ri~ip_

"I know, tell them… tell them I-I'm sorry!"

_Squark buzzz_

A lone man, armed with a 10ft pole, prepares to defend the Power Company's only vending machine from the invading Zapdos.

_Munch munch_

"The Sunchips?! You **bastard**!"

With a battlecry he leaps to certain doom.

_Squawk_

* * *

Notes: Almost an actual drabble. Le gasp!


End file.
